on letting go

This photo was taken at our visit to the classroom two weeks ago.

Maia's new teacher (who is both wonderfully experienced and passionate)

helped her find the letters for her name to put on the overhead projector.

Today marks the first big 'letting go' for me as a mom. Armed with a belly full of blueberry pancakes, a pink polka-dot backpack, two lunches, indoor shoes and an almost undetectable smidge of reservation, my four year old 'baby' went eagerly off to her first day of Junior Kindergarten this morning.

Maia and I walked our two blocks to the school together with the neighbour kids who are so eager and sweet, and have been chomping at the bit to escort her and show her the ropes at her new school. She had an extra bounce in her step as she led the way on the sidewalk. No reassurance needed. A few older kids went out of their way to excitedly welcome her on arrival, knowing it was her first day (including a grade 8 boy -- such great kids!). We had our little goodbye smooch. She also put up with my momentary photo request. I thought I might get away without tears as she bounced off, but then -- silly me -- I decided to stand at the playground's edge and watch her walk away on the school yard instead of turning for home right away. And that's when the emotions caught up with me.

So big... yet so little. So ready for school... and yet so naive about how cruel the world can be. And of course, as a mom, sending your kid off for a full six hours into the hands of others (even if they are wonderful, competant, caring adults... as I understand they are) feels like sending her off into the 'big, bad world'! You know, it's a strange combination: wanting to prepare your own to walk confidently and bravely in the world, and simultaneously wanting to shelter them from the harm you know will inevitably come. It certainly helped that she was so eager to go. Goodness -- how do parents do this when their kids don't want to go on the first day!?

For me, the experience is compounded by knowing that after having this precious girl under my wing for four years, she's now going to go off for a whole day only to return and not tell me everything. Ha!

At Heart to Heart this morning, a few friends confirmed that it does get easier after the first. Phew. But then two older friends also reassured me that sending their kids off to highschool.... and then college.... felt like a very similar, heart-bending 'letting go' for them. Ah, the roller coaster we sign up for when we become mothers!

My mom told me this week that she can still see in her mind's eye the day she watched me and my skinny little legs head off for my first day of school with my own big backpack. She said in those days, moms didn't walk their kids to school. Once they knew the way -- even at the earliest age -- they would let them walk on their own without any thought of danger. How the times have changed. I have a whole new appreciation for all the 'leaving' I did throughout the years, when I gave almost no thought to what it was like for my parents to see me head off on some new adventure (Kindgergarten, highschool, university, work terms in various cities, the Yukon, France...). Thanks, mom and dad. You did it so graciously that I didn't even know it wasn't all about me! :)

Four years is so much time... and yet rather like the blink of an eye. I'm thankful for this first chapter with this precious gift of God called Maia. And today begins a new chapter. I confess I am looking forward to the opportunity to run errands with one kiddo again, and to have a couple of hours each afternoon that she's at school to work on my music and such. (More on the upcoming changes in that part of my life another day...)

I'll comment below to let you curious cats know what she reports back when I pick her up in a half an hour!